A Mother’s Love

Your Family: How It Works.

Wouldn’t we all like one of those guides? Who else would write it but a mother? In Allison Pearson’s novel I Don’t Know How She Does It, a mother of three dies of cancer and leaves her husband twenty pages of close-typed script as simple and comprehensive as her title suggests. It contains practical information: where the Christmas decorations are stored, the name of his mother’s favorite perfume, directions for using the washing machine (in the event of emergencies). There is esoterica: Godchildren’s names and birthdays, notes on flower remedies — arnica for bruises (bathroom cabinet), ignatia for grief (yellow bottle, bedside table) — and guidance.

“Everything’s in there,” the widower says, shaking his head. “You’d be amazed how much there is to remember.”

No, most mothers would not.

Mothers get no handy guide that explains how to track the minutiae of their children’s lives, the rhythm of their days. But mostly they do it anyway. And no mother feels she does it well enough — particularly not these days when there are so many distractions to keep us from mothering.

On the Vineyard, where most families make much of their income in the summer, just as their school kids are given months to be carefree, many mothers struggle to enjoy this sweet time with their young children. And when Island mothers become grandmothers, it’s less likely their offspring can afford to live on the Vineyard. Luckily a mother’s love transcends distance.

Every mom hopes that she will be a wonderful mother. That she will laugh with her children. That she will teach them how to forgive. That her children really will use table manners and write thank-you notes some day. That she will know how to show them ferocious love, even during those years when her affection is awkwardly received or even rejected. That she will know what to do or say when her child has a broken heart. That she will remember what it felt like to kiss their small, cold cheeks.

Mothers here and afar will be remembered on Sunday, Mother’s Day, a day to share some love. (In emergencies, you may do this by using the washing machine.)