Since the election of President Barack Obama the Republican Party has embarked on a singular mission to come to the aid of the American people. The main, and perhaps only, thrust of their action is to rename the Democratic Party as the Democratic-Socialist Party. True the loonier elements of Republicanism, if such distinctions hold, had for a time held out for the Democratic-Fascist Party. However after much wrangling it was decided that Fascist had a decidedly foreign ring to it and Democratic-Socialist won out in order to keep things well within the bounds of Americana. In order to accomplish this noble goal they have shunted aside doing anything about the economy, the infrastructure, health care or any of the other little niggling things that absorb most Americans in the day-to-day struggle for survival.

It occurred to me that the party most in need of retitling was the erstwhile would-be renamers themselves. Surely the party of Gov. Mark Sanford, Sens. Craig and Ensign and Congressman Vitters would blush at the sobriquet of Grand Old Party, although these duly elected officials had many a grand old party themselves.

Perhaps a more fitting heading for the G.O.P. could be Groping Old Playboys, or Graying Obnoxious Philanderers or even Goofy Odorous Poops. It is quite possible that when the party of Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln, both of whom would be hiding their faces in shame, next convenes we could be witness to a furious floor fight as the Poops point a finger of scorn at the Philanderers, who in turn try to place the onus on the Playboys. Poops vs. Playboys, Philanderers vs. Poops, and so on into the night.

While the Republican savants go about the changing the facade but not the structure, they might be well advised to replace the weary, embattled and blameless elephant with a more appropriate symbol — say like a tomcat on the prowl.